So, it’s month “who even knows anymore” of the pandemic, sometime in January 2022, and we’re still working from home… which, for me, means working from my unfinished basement / office / playroom / home gym… Needless to say, the art of interior decorating and finding a sense of joy and Zen in my surroundings is not high on the priority list. So, this is not exactly my “happy place” – but I’m making do.
I’m also an extrovert and a hopeless optimist by nature, so by this point I’m feeling the strain of isolation and limited, physical contact with adults. I lead a team of 12 and we’re trying to still find little ways of fostering a more personal connection and building trust under these circumstances – and so I decide we will start our weekly team meetings by drawing a random question from the box of Table Topics that sits on my desk. We’ve done this for a few weeks now, and it’s been really good. On this specific Tuesday in January, I pull out a question: “if you were the ultimate risk taker what life change would you make”
The team goes around, sharing their wishes and dreams:
- Yasmari would flip houses: buy, renovate, resell – and (of course) document the whole ride through some reality style TV show
- Caius would live in Asia – likely Japan
- Lisa would work in professional sports – as an agent or a manager with the NBA
…and so on
And… I can think of nothing. I am coming up blank. I punt and give some answer about starting a blog or something… but I feel truly stumped.
So, we move on – we have our team meeting and go through the rest of the day, even a few days – but that question keeps haunting me. What kind of a person have I become, that I can think of nothing I would change about my life?
Now don’t get me wrong – this is not, in fact, because I have the perfect life. I am fortunate in many ways: blessed with 4 beautiful children, a supportive husband, a fulfilling career… but I suddenly feel incomplete. As I said before – I’m a self-described hopeless optimist. I am, on balance – happy. Content even. I keep a gratitude journal. I focus on the moments of joy. And yet, I feel like I have lost all of those dreams and wishes from my youth – or even from my 30s… and all at once, my life feels like one big routine. I’m on the hamster wheel and I can’t get off. I feel like I’m going through the motions and at some point I’ve stopped asking why.
And I realize – this is why people have midlife crises. So then I feel even more like a pathetic stereotype.
I talk to my husband and share this question and my sudden crisis with him. He can answer the question. He isn’t broken and devoid of hopes and dreams. I cry. I feel more annoyed with myself.
I talk to my coach, Kiran, who has somehow come into my life in this capacity, at just this moment in my journey of self-discovery or self-destruction. It’s a little hard to discern. I share this question and my internal struggle with her. I feel like I lack a sense of purpose, I tell her. I am not unhappy – don’t get me wrong… but I feel like I don’t have that strong sense of value or reason for being. I feel lost and supremely disappointed in myself.
And she – because she’s incredible and coaching is a true art and skill – and one that she’s very accomplished in… she helps. She asks me great questions. She points me toward the Japanese philosophy of Ikigai – which, as it turns out, is exactly what I’m searching for.
Small diversion – but Ikigai is essentially that intersection between:
- What you love
- What the world needs
- What you’re good at
- What you can get paid for
And the concept is, if you can find that intersection of all 4 of those – basically that 4-part Venn diagram… you will have found your purpose – your reason for being… and once you have – you’ll want to just keep doing it.
I work with my coach some more… I like having a language to describe what I’m seeking… but I still feel like I haven’t found “it.” I don’t know what my Ikigai is.
She always encourages me to make small, realistic changes. And so I describe wanting to read more. Instead of the never-ending, mindless scrolling through social media before I fall asleep – what if I did more reading? What if I spent that time reading or writing or journaling instead?
“What’s stopping me?” she asks.
Well – the winters are cold and dark in Toronto – and after putting my 4 kids to bed and cleaning up dinner, I just want to crawl into my bed. But my nightstand table is a mess and I don’t have a lamp. So I turn out the lights in my bedroom but then I can only see what’s on my phone screen.
“So, why don’t you buy a lamp?” she asks
Why don’t I buy a lamp…? What a simple, silly, achievable thing to do. And so I do it… I buy a lovely little bedside lamp – with 3 brightness settings and a built-in outlet & USB ports. And it changed my life.
Okay – that might be an exaggeration… I am still searching for my Ikigai. BUT – I am doing less doom-scrolling and more reading. Less wasting time and just going through the motions and more purposeful attention to what I want. More reading & writing.
I mean, I still am on that quest – to find more meaning and reason for being. To find my Ikigai. But in the meantime, I am more aware of what I am searching for. I am back on the hunt – feeding my sense of learning and curiosity and discovery.
And it all started with a question – and a lamp.
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