While I often come across as a very confident leader, some of that is theatrics.  I have an ability to “sparkle” as my mom used to term it (borrowed from a biography of Shirley Temple) – putting on a front that will mask what’s under the surface.  I don’t believe that’s always a bad approach, as it can sometimes become a “fake it ‘til you make it” situation and there are times when I will feel better – happy even – after I bury the other feelings and force myself to smile and move on.

That said, I do care, far too much, about what others think of me.  The “smile and move on” approach, was likely something my mom taught me so I could succeed in a society that never really wanted to know how you’re truly doing.  That might make people uncomfortable.  And so, we would nod, and smile, and push the “uncomfortable” feelings away to appease others.  This resulted in me worrying about how others valued my worth, my contributions: as a mom, daughter, sibling, friend, employee, leader…  Was my performance okay?  Was I selling the mask?  I am far too hungry for positive, external validation and can even be manipulated by it.

My insecurities lie in this need for reinforcement from others, versus a willingness to look inward and to set my own expectations.  I have a constant fear of failure – of disappointing myself and others, and of not being able to really unravel the two.  What are my goals and how do I measure success v. what are the expectations of others and how do I separate and leave behind those expectations that don’t serve me?

Since I was raised to prioritize achievement: academic, performative, career status, I often struggle to stop comparing myself to others.  After all, what is achievement, if it doesn’t involve rankings and hierarchy?  And thus, how can I be successful if I am not on the top?

When I was earlier in my career, this seemed to work.  I excelled in the corporate world and I was a young, shining star – working my way up the ladder.  I had several bosses and mentors who fed into my relentless drive for achievement, telling me that I could “do anything.”  And when I started to realize that wasn’t always true, I started to question my own worth and value.

Priorities are a crazy thing.  I mostly believed (maybe still do?) that I could have my cake and eat it too.  I could be the mom of 4 and the successful career woman and the supportive spouse and the fun-loving friend… but in reality, I was always prioritizing something – I just didn’t want to admit it.  I could do anything – but I couldn’t do everything.

I am seeking to re-frame success: not as being the “best” or highest ranking, highest paid… when compared to others.  I am spending more time reflecting on what my priorities are: when you strip away the noise created by others, what matters most to me.  And how can I articulate that in precise ways to hold myself accountable: independent of external pressures or opinions.